I killed my boyfriend. It’s true. Over and over…
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| Florent Chretien |
Every night I killed my boyfriend in my sleep. I know- insert expressive eyebrows
here. But I think a lot of women do it, and don’t want to admit it. Let me
explain.
I loved my boyfriend, for a time. We were together for seven years
before our inevitable end. For a long time, I truly believed he was the one I
would spend the rest of my life with. He was my forever. So why did I kill
him every night?
I'm going to talk about something women don't talk about too often-
fantasy. Scary! Firstly, I didn’t fantasize about murdering my
boyfriend. That’s too messy. But I did fantasize about being with other men- at
night lying in bed waiting to fall asleep, or while he was snoring away on the
couch while I contemplated our sexless relationship. Deep down I wasn’t happy,
I wanted something different- someone different. But I have too much damn integrity
to cheat on my partner, even in my wildest dreams. I loved him! We had a home
together! A family! So instead, I buried him…
In my mind, my boyfriend would have some sort of accident or be murdered.
A natural disaster one night. Car accident the next. His workplace was shot up.
House fire. Infectious disease. Usually, he died in a way that would ensure I received
a large sum of insurance money. I’d allow myself an “appropriate” time to
grieve his death, fast forward, and move on. Night after night, instead of
dreaming about cheating on my boyfriend, I’d have these “practical” and
“respectful” fantasies- where I was a widow before a wanton.
Once he was dead and my conscience was clear, I could fantasize that I
was in a fulfilling relationship. One where I was loved and touched. But when I
was wide awake in my relationship, everything was falling apart. It took years
before I was pushed to my breaking point. Oddly enough, a recurring fantasy of
my boyfriend taking the deep sleep so I could be with Chris Hemsworth, Usher,
Jonathan Taylor Thomas; anyone but my significant other, wasn’t enough to
convince me that my relationship was one bad dream away from being over.
While you don’t see too many women openly admitting to doing- or
dreaming- things like this, I have spoken to a few women in relationships with
men they wish they could leave. This fantasy is much more common than I expected.
The truth is breakups are hard and messy. When I finally did leave my relationship,
the financial impacts alone were a nightmare. Divorce, separation, call it what
you want. Sometimes it would be easier to have a quick and uncomplicated
finale to a bad show.
So, for years while in an unhappy relationship I killed my boyfriend.
Repeatedly. And moved on. Until, finally I was brave enough to do it in real
life and suffer the consequences, while I was wide awake.
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